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Collaboration Journal
In the fall of 1995, Michael A. Weintraub worked in Washington, D.C. for a health care and public policy consultant firm called Engquist, Pelrine & Powell. Glen Eric Reed worked over a hundred miles away in Philadelphia in the publishing department of the American College of Physicians. It was at this time that they began collaborating on Tips, using their respective employers' fax machines as their primary means of communication. Neither Glen nor Michael is still employed by the these companies.
What follows is a journal culled from this communication. You can see, in full and loving detail, how Tips came to be. Read deleted and edited scenes, take sides in our arguments, see where we might've made wrong decisions. The details may boggle the mind....
Notes: This journal was taken from faxes, notes, and random print-outs. Comments from Mike to Glen are in blue. Comments from Glen to Mike are in red. Linked dates are connected to scans of the actual faxes. Not all faxes are scanned (we're talking like 200+ pages here). Phone numbers and such have been removed to protect the innocent. Additional items will be added over time.
27 October 1995, 2:31 pm
Glen,
Here's the very preliminary scene list for Tips. There're going to be a lot of places where you're going to need an explanation, I'm sure, so just let me know via e-mail.
The last half-dozen scenes, in italics, I don't like. I just wrote whatever came to mind, not what I wanted to write. What I want to write for the car chase is something where the cars (I also wanted Caroline, Juan, and Harvey to be in the same car) are having a chase on the wrong side of the highway. Kind of like a swimming against the stream sort of thing. I also want Caroline to be responsible for Juan's death, either by secretly shooting him during the case (but not letting Harvey know) or causing him to die in an accident, and then walking away at the end of the film.
I've also enclosed some characterization notes for motivations, etc. I jotted these down this morning, to help you understand why I have the characters acting like they do.
Something I want to develop in act two but isn't really demonstrated by the scene list is the deterioration of Caroline's morals. She starts waitressing at the bar, and soon enough she's dancing there, and finally she's sleeping with Harvey. She has the chance in the end of the story to come back by helping the cops, and I'm not sure what she does with it.
BTW, the "Saint" referred to in scene 8 is another anecdote Harvey tells Juan. It's another rambling long story like the "Deal" story.
As I was starting to say last night, I was going to give you "Story by" credit even when I wrote this alone. So, if you decide you hate my plot ideas and want nothing of this project, I'll still give you co-story credit. Of course, if I decide to change the opening scene (which I like a lot, so don't worry too much about that), the rest of the story's already mine so your name gets axed.
Okay, let me know what you think of all this. My fax number at work, btw, is xxx-xxx-xxxx.
31 October 1995, 11:52 am
Mike
Just so you know what I've been doing with this thing. I didn't write anything about the ending, mostly because I've got to get back to work, but I've got some thoughts about it we can discuss tonight. The main plot you've come up with is great, despite the general lack of ending in its current form. Overall, I think we've got to have 3 basic main plotlines C.'s, J. and H.'s, and Joey's (the last of which there's not really anything there now).
I favor a sudden deterioration of C.'s morals, rather than the one you wanted to actually show, as you said in your fax. I think it's kind of a small part of the story in its current form why she deteriorated is more important than the actual deterioration.
If you're interested (and free), since the NYC thing isn't going to happen after Thanksgiving this year (at least as far as I'm concerned it's not), we could do some actual writing on this thing that day. It'd obviously help somewhat if we were actually in the same room when we worked on this! Talk to ya later.
(ack ... hope the 10 point font comes thorugh ok!)
31 October 1995, 2:59 pm
Glen,
Here's a couple of scenes I've written. The first one is of course, your story. It's the opening scene, and I wrote it the other day. I'm sure you'll want to "really" write it, but here's just my ideas on how it should go.
The other scene will probably fit best somewhere in act two, probably around scene 16 (on my original version, not the version I just got in the fax from you there's too much there to comment on now, but I like a lot of your suggestions).
Re: Day after Thanksgiving. Hell, I'll only be an hour from you (and I'll have a car), so we can do it both that day and/or the day-after-the-day-after-Thanksgiving (ie, Friday and Saturday). I'm supposed to be doing the family thing that weekend, but I can escape one or two afternoons, if necessary.
If you can't get on IRC tonight, give me a page with your number at Mark's (I don't have it) and I'll give you a call. I'd like to have something worth starting on for when I go away Thursday.
P.S. The Saint is another story Harvey tells Juan, about a former partner of his/artist/religious freak. It's just a precursor to the visiting the art dealer scene. Female art director sounds cool, btw.
1 November 1995, 12:09 pm
Here're the "Deal" and "Saint" stories. "The Saint" is told completely in first-person, by Harvey, to Juan. I think the art theme of it could fit nicely before they visit the art dealer in act one.
"The Deal" needs a lot of detail fixing, but it's essentially the same scene I wrote last March. Looking it over now, it just struck me that maybe moving ostriches back and forth might only work as a humourous aside (as in "The Deal"), but isn't strong enough to sustain a major subplot in a 90-100 minute movie. Any thoughts on what H. and J. can do for their real "mission?"
We also need one more anecdote in the "Garcia Education" trilogy. I want to parallel his education with Juan's. So should Garcia: a. die, b. become a successful smuggler/dealer, or c. quit? Whichever fate Garcia receives should also be Juan's, IMO, so I opt for a. Wanna take a shot at writing Le Morte de Garcia?
I was talking to Jen last night and she gave me a good idea. Why not have C. befriend a dancer at Franco's, who lets her know that the tips are great, and it can be a temporary fix to her problems. That way we can either cut Eliza or use her as the dancer (but not as C's roommate).
More notes I made yesterday re: act three we didn't get to:
Scene 34: It's unknown who C. calls, but fairly obvious it's the cops.
Scene 36: it's a cheesy plot-advancing discovery.
Maybe the two cops should both be female (and the art dealer should be too).
Do you want to meet again tonight? Maybe a little earlier, 10:30 or so? I have to pack for my trip, but I should be done by then (Jen and I are prolly going out to eat but I'll be back by 10:30).
If not, then I'll try to keep in touch from Boston via e-mail. So, if you get something from uggsomething@something.emerson.edu, that's me via my brother.
There may be a second fax with more notes this afternoon, depending on how slow work is (it's crawling now I just finished writing "Saint") and how creative I feel during lunch.
1 November 1995, 3:23 pm
Here's a combined comment list on the scene list through the middle of act II, scene 27. My original list is in normal formatting, your comments on them are in italics, and my new comments are in ALL CAPS. I think if we utilize my suggestions (using yours), then we can scrap everything after 27 and re-write it.
My thoughts on the outline of the story:
Act one should be primarily about Juan and Harvey. Juan meets Harvey, hears a few stories, and they go out on their first mission together. Caroline and Joey are kind of auxiliary characters (Joey much more so than Caroline she's still integral).
Act two should be primarily about Caroline. Her moral descent, etc. Harvey and Juan are now auxiliary, and Joey is just there, more of a hindrance to her than anything.
Act three should be about Joey. He is trying to track her down and rescue her from decay. Caroline's story, plus Juan and Harvey's should also be tied up together here.
Just got your fax re: Deal. What I think we should do for emailing and faxing dialogue is something like this:
NAME
Dialogue.
ie:
HARVEY
Yeah, but ain't that easy. Good thing, though, that you've come to the right
man.
It makes my job of putting it together as a "Script" much easier (I've set up macros in WinWord to handle that.).
This weekend I'm going to try to write scenes 8-10. I think these are pretty much set in stone and don't affect too much around them. Good luck on Le Morte de Garcia and Bicycle (which, for a minute, I thought you were talking about "Bicycle Man," my story).
Okay, I've got to get to work now. Let me know what you think (this afternoon or tonight) before I leave.
2 November 1995, 1:43 pm
Glen prints his first draft of the opening scene, based on Mike's original draft.
9 November 1995, 11:59 am
Glen,
Okay, so maybe I lied about hopping online last night. Anyway, this is what I've done over my vacation. Not as much as I wanted, but it's still something, anyway. You'll see the revised version of "The Deal," incorporating about 99% of your suggestions, and scene 9 (Caroline calls about the job at the art dealer). I tried to write scene 10 on the plane yesterday afternoon, in longhand, and got about halfway through it. I haven't been able to enter it in yet. The main problem I have with it is keeping it short, as the "Deal" extends for 12 pages. I'd like to get the "Saint" told in five.
I also added a bunch of (non-speaking) characters, for Harvey's old "team." In summary, they are:
- Claude Jolet - Haitian man
- Paolo Cruz - Hispanic man
- Randy "Seven" Garcia - Hispanic man (Juan's dφppelganger)
- Ricky Hernandez - Hispanic man
- Benny Baker - Black man
- Mario Fabrizi - White man
Other brilliant thoughts that I had on my trip are:
Should we include a younger sister character (maybe a teenager) of Caroline, who worships her? Just another moral center to the story as she descends further.
Should the art dealer be in more than just two scenes? And, how much should she tell Joey when he goes to visit Caroline at the dealership?
Should we end the script as a huge hurricane is bearing down on Miami (a not uncommon occurrence in summertime). Maybe have the car chase during heavy evacuation traffic? This could be the world's slowest car chase (a la O.J.)
Do you maybe want to meet this coming Saturday or Sunday afternoon/evening face-to-face? Unfortunately, I don't have Monday off for the holiday, which you may. However, I can drive up to Newark if you want to rendezvous. Let me know.
10 November 1995, 12:47 pm
Mike
Just some notes I made on the "Deal" scene (literally on it didn't feel like retyping it). A lot is just grammatical or trying to make the dialogue "sound" right. Also, all the descriptions and stage direction stuff has to be toned down. Any director is going to want to do a lot of that himself, I imagine. Plus, the more we put in, the more we're limiting this thing. Oh, I read this scene cold again, so if I happened to have made some same suggestions as the first version, which you didn't implement, ignore them (or bring them up this weekend). Other than that, this scene is looking really good just really have to polish up the piranha staging, I think. See you this wekeend.
Glen
10 November 1995, 2:51 pm
Glen
Quick notes.
Re: "Deal." Whoa. Lotsa changes (that's good). You use a few typographical symbols (imagine that...) that I don't understand & a few were rendered blurry by the fax, so I'll hold off on modifying until I see you tomorrow.
"Crazy Ivan": I think we should have Gloria be someone on a boat @ Port Everglades. Have Garcia & Ivan chase each other across the docks or whatever.
Also, "winter morning." H. should say "I mean winter lightly, too. I had to wear jeans/pants, but you get the picture." Remember, "winter" in FL (especially Miami) is like fall everywhere else.Opening scene good. Maybe have man entering diner @ beginning be a bikini-clad woman?
Can't think of much else right now. It looks like our office is shutting down a bit early today, so I might stay after and fax something else to you before 5, if I can. If not, see you tomorrow.
10 November 1995, 4:44 pm
Glen,
Here's a first (incomplete) crack at writing scene 8, Harvey and Juan driving to the art dealer, and Harvey tells Juan the story of the Saint. It's not complete, and it's running longer than I wanted it to. My office did close early, and I want to fax something to you before you go home. I'll hopefully finish the rest tonight so I can show you something tomorrow.
13 November 1995, 2:18 pm
Glen prints notes on the revised scene list and brief notes on scene 7.
14 November 1995, 1:24 pm
Mike prints comments on the revised scene list.
15 November 1995, 1:47 pm
Mike
Partial first draft of scene 13 follows. Didn't think I'd get any of this done today, but it sorta started flowing, so I figured I'd fax this to you, see if we're on agreement that I'm on the right track with this. I also realized that this would probably be the perfect place to put your suggestion into action, so where I've cut it off, I'm going to put some sort of teaser of another Harvey-story.
In a bit, I figure Caroline will be the one to bring H. and J.'s drinks out to the patio for them, and I figure that will be when Harvey starts flirting with her. Basically, from where it is now, I figure a) More Harvey-story tease, b) More Eliza & Caroline talk, Franco enters and sends Caroline out to the patio, c) Harvey flirts with Caroline. Oh, and should probably throw in a little more ostri, while I'm at it.
Anyway, email me tonight, or give me a call here if you've got comments. Don't bother faxing though, unless you've really got materials to send we've been a bit fax-happy with this stuff, and I don't know who sees mine before they reach me.
Glen
16 November 1995, 11:21 am
Mike
Notes on the revised scene list, and the edits we made to The Saint follow.
Just thinking, for consistency's sake, let's put all original stuff in a serif font, and all new stuff in sans serif (i.e., like I've got it, Times New Roman for stuff we worked on, and Arial for my notes). Might be easier to see that way. Also, if it's not a big deal, I'd like to start heading the first page of all these things the same way, so it's easier for us to keep track of them. If it's okay with you, we can just use the method I used in the stuff here, i.e.:
Tips scene #, source-for-# Title
Day Month Year/Time
Description
First line's in 12-point Times new Roman, and the second two (as well as the rest of the document) are in 10-point. Everything but the title on the first line is in small caps. Yes, I am being rather particular about the way I'd like this, but it just makes it easier to keep track of where everything goes (I spent about 15 minutes today just trying to organize everything I had so far). Plus, it just looks cool, eh.
Oh, not in my scene list notes, I've gone ahead and sort of named/described the three acts. I think that may come in handy.
16 November 1995, 3:16 pm
Glen,
Here's the new version of The Saint. It's been a bit too long (somehow, it's 7.5 pages) and in definite need of your hacking.
Other comments (sorry I don't have time to put them into "official formatting")
For scene 13, I think that maybe Juan and Harvey are entering as Eliza starts dancing and start to head outside, like they usually do. Except Juan likes what he sees and talks Harvey into staying until her dance is over.
Caroline's lines "I guess. Still, I think I'm gonna have to do the rest of tonight fully clothed." is a bit stilted to me. Try to liven up the dialogue.
Strike "of waitressing" from the end of Eliza's line that starts "Yeah, but think about it..."
"Juan and Harvey enter and sit..."
How do you enter the outside? Maybe they should "exit and sit and Harvey's usual table..."
Mike
20 November 1995, 1:49 pm
Mike
Edit of scene seven follows. I didn't do so much cutting as I did butchering. Frankly, I don't see a big problem with the length of this scene it looks well under ten minutes to me. Let me know if the staging when the Saint gets shot is confusing. I tried to make it as clear as I could (as I have it perfectly clear in my head), but I wasn't so sure it came out good on paper. Also let me know what you think of the idea I've presented at all.
Formatting may be a little goofy. I went with your two-pages-per-page thing, but just changed formatting stuff and printed it out that way, rather than shrinking it on a copier. I'll go back to standard if necessary.
Glen
20 November 1995, 4:42 pm
Glen
Good job butchering "The Saint." I'm not sure about the use of present tense dialogue, since I want to keep it as a story being told about something in the past.
Use of "cola:" it was supposed to be one-part euphemism, one-part pun on "coke."
I want Harvey's use of "bad guys" to be hokey.
You're right, sticking Juan in the scene was a mistake. I like what you have re: that, but I'm wondering: what happens to Garcia?
Tonight I'll scrawl all over your fax and re-send it back in the morning. I have a lot of problems with your butchering of the dialogue.
Mike
21 November 1995, 11:20 am
Glen
Here are my comments on your version of "The Saint" (literally on them; I left my disk at home today). The present tense stuff works for the most part except where I've noted it.
Check marks mean I agree with your comments.
How come when the Saint shoots and misses the last guy, it goes through Juan (as if he's a ghost or something), but when Cruz gets up from the card table, Juan has to get out of his way?
I'll try to work on the art dealer scene during lunch today.
21 November 1995, 1:44 pm
Mike
Comments on comments on comments ... for the Saint scene follow, along with a revised scene 13 and 13a. This will probably be my last pre-Thanksgiving fax, though I want to try to get some groundwork on Crazy Ivan done before we meet again.
21 November 1995, 1:47 pm
Glen
Per my previous fax, this is scene 9. It's around 5 pages, and i think we (namely: you :) ) can trim it down to four.
Over break (I'm leaving early afternoon tomorrow) I'll try to get one more scene written, probably four or five. I would like to write the scenes at Franco's at the end of act one (where Caroline applies for the job) but I'm not sure how I visualize those scenes yet, so if you have any ideas, give it a shot. How is scene 13 coming?
I'm also racking my brain for ideas on how to conclude this. The "who's the bad guy?" question really grates on me, until I figure out how we can end it.
Let me know what you think.
21 November 1995, 4:27 pm
Mike prints out his second draft of scenes 8, 8a, and 8b.
22 November 1995, 10:43 am
Glen
I'm thinking that the problems we've been having trying to end the thing is that we're trying too hard. Let's face it, we're not trying for a Best Picture Oscar, so we can afford to have a "weak" ending. The one we've come up with is more than capable albeit not perfect to end thi story.
Another point of contention we have is how to get Juan and Joey in the same car. I think that since we don't have Caroline "redeem" herself, then maybe Juan can. If anything, it'll be a sort of surprise, since he's the last one you'd expect to "come back." Maybe Caroline and Harvey could leave in the van with the ostri, and then Joey arrives as Juan is about to (Juan's been hanging around with his family looking at baby pictures, something stupid like that and was planning on catching up with Harvey and Caroline later). Joey could then Juan, and in the car, Juan could make a deal with Joey.
Or something like that.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with that paragraph, so feel free to flesh it out.
I'll be leaving the office at 1pm today, so I hope to be on 95 by 2pm. If, by some miracle, I'm making really good time, I'll call re: stopping by, but don't count on it. I did remember to pack the Premiere issue with "you" in it, so if I can meet you on Saturday I'll bring it. My number at my aunt's is xxx-xxx-xxxx, and my cellular phone (I'm hoping to have voice mail installed on it today) is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I'll have my beeper, but I think it'll be out of range, so if you need to reach my try my aunt's number, or my voice mail, if it's working. I'll call on Thursday night or Friday re: Saturday.
27 November 1995, 9:32 am
Glen
Here's what I did on my Thanksgiving vacation. Well, not everything. I did write the firsts two sentences of a new short story as well. Whoo!
Anyway, here's scene 6, reflecting the stuff I accidentally moved around into the later scene. It's a short little scene, and rather insignificant in that it only advances the plot. I don't think too much is needed to enhance it.
Sorry I didn't get to call you for a get together on Saturday. Sorry I also missed the visit to the Soup Nazi Friday. How was it?
BTW, it turns out that on Friday the 15th, the first night of your little get together, Deep Blue Something is playing a show at the Bayou. I'm not planning on going to the show (even though I'm going to miss most of the weekend due to my $%^#^ office party), I thought you'd find that amusing to hear.
27 November 1995, 2:00 pm
Mike
Didn't go to see the soup nazi, so you didn't miss anything. I did, however, manage to leave most of my Tips stuff at home, so I'm missing stuff like the scene 8 you wrote which mixed everything up. But, it's going to be a busy week anyway, getting ready to move &c., so I can deal without it until Friday. If you hear from me again, it'll probably be via e-mail (although, my account dies on Friday, and I have made no efforts to get a new one).
Anyway, following is pre- and post-Thanksgiving work. First, a newly-printed Revised Scene List (basically the same we had, just cleaned up and with a slightly better idea of the ending which we've discussed). Next, character and location lists, which I thought might come in handy. Finally, the start of scene 13 (the fruits of my lunch hour today). At the rate I'm going, this is going to come out long, so don't expect my final version to have all this still there (as is, I'm probably looking at 12-15 pages to finish the story; I'd like it more like 5-10 tops).
Like I said, lotta crap going on this week, so expect to not hear from me for a while.
PS Kinda funny ... Mark thinks he was driving next to you on 95 or somewhere for a while last Wednesday around 4 when he went to pick up his car. Actually, he's almost sure it was you.
Almost forgot first page of a story (for format) tails this fax.
29 November 1995, 2:09 pm
Glen
Here's the Revised Scene List-alpha (I think we should start keeping track of which RSL is the most recent, hence my designation of alpha for this one).
Don't forget to notice that the Crazy Ivan scene is now 17, not 18 as it was.
In italics, when appropriate, I noted the most recent edit date/author/length (in pages), below the scene's description.
I'm next going to start on 2, 4, 4a, 4b, and 5. They should all be really short scenes. After we get Act I mostly complete, I'll get to work on II. I didn't add any of our ideas for the conclusion to this scene list, primarily because they're not finalized. I am starting to get a clearer idea of how it's going to turn out, I think.
4 December 1995, 1:49 pm
Mike
Crazy Ivan follows. Pagination on the properly formatted version is about the same as it is here, maybe a little longer (it's around 9 pages, rather than the 8 Ό it is here). Let me know what you think.
Oh, and FYI you'll get this info again by the end of the week anyway, but if you want to email me on this stuff, I am now either greed@***.*** or ***.***@compuserve.com (the compuserve thing's a work account).
Glen
12 December 1995, 1:25 pm
Glen
Okay, here's scene two. There really isn't much to mention about it, and I hope I didn't include any "loaded guns" that need to be brought back later.
At home I started the beginning of Act III scene I was telling you about, but of course that's there and I'm here. I'll try to remember to bring it in for tomorrow.
12 December 1995, 1:47 pm
Glen prints out his edits to the final draft of scenes 13 and 13a, RSL-alpha.
13 December 1995, 10:57 am
Glen
Here's my idea for how Act III should begin and end. I know you said you wrote an ending (just to write the words "Fade out") but I did too (to get the same satisfaction, I think :) ). Of course, I haven't seen your ending yet, so I hope I don't trample on any prior ideas you have.
Let's try to get a definite vision for Act III this weekend, okay?
Mike
13 December 1995, 1:51 pm
Glen prints his edits to Mike's first version of scene 2, RSL-alpha.
25 January 1996, 11:27 am
Glen
I got creative the other night and did a draft of scene 12b, where Caroline serves Juan and Harvey out on the patio. I got a little long-winded and started rambling, so it's about 7 pages long. I'm thinking we can go straight from this scene to 13, where Caroline meets Joey at the oyster bar.
I've also been doing an edit of 3, "The Deal." I'm finally fixing the way Harvey tells the story to Juan. There's a lot of red ink on the printout I have, so it should look completely different (and hopefully tighter) when I'm finished with that.
Mike
1 February 1996, 10:26 am
Mike prints his second draft of scene 3, RSL-alpha: The Deal.
1 February 1996, 2:05 pm
- Revised Scene List beta
- Scene Track
- Scene 12b, partial edits
I took the page count out of the scene list, since we were both using different formatting, none of which I think was actually correct, so I didn't think it was helping much anyway. There isn't too much that's changed from alpha, just a bunch of additional stuff, and a viable ending! I think everything is pretty much solid except for the new scene 26b, which contains the final finality of the thing. Inits and dates in parens are the latest versions I have; they don't indicate the writer, just whoever edited it last.
Scene Track should be helpful ... gives a nice overvierw of where this thing is all the time, good way of seeing the entire thing laid out on one page, really.
As for 12b, there was more stuff I wanted to do with it, but I ran out of lunch-time about 15 minutes ago. Kinda sucks I have no word processor at all at home now, so I can only do this stuff on here. Can we DCC MS Word at some point when we're both on-line? (Note: that last statement was a joke, of course, as that would be rather illegal and neither of us would engage in such activity.)
As indicated, I will be doing scene 4 on Saturday.
8 February 1996, 2:10 pm
- Revised Scene 6, RSL-beta
Not much changed here, really. Like I said, I just wanted to accomplish something for a change. I also edited The Deal, like I said. Mostly just a bunch of little changes though. I really liked what you did at the end of the flashback, with the cut to Garcia's view of the flopping piranha, and the fade to black. Nice touch, eh.
So whaddya think, act one finished within a week? If we were both in the same room, I'd think it pretty likely, but this long-distance co-authoring thing just keeps getting more and more frustrating!
Glen
12 February 1996, 2:08 pm
Glen prints out edits to Mike's second draft of scenes 8, 8a, 8b, and 8c; RSL-beta.
14 February 1996, 1:40 pm
Mike
- Preliminary Scene 4 and 4a, RSL-beta
Yes, I know it says 4-4b on there. Just haven't gotten to 4b yet (plus, I'm still trying to figure out how they get a damage estimate at 9:00 at night). What I've got feels a little rushed, but it's sort of just plot-advancement stuff, so I wasn't too gung ho on a lot of length.
Joey is sort of the likeliest character for the audience to relate to, when you think about it. I think we've either got to commit to 100% of the characters being quirky, and come up with some hook for Joey, or we've got to take the "normalcy" ball and run with it for him. As for now, I see him as pretty straight-laced, and confident around everyone but Caroline. We'll see if that sticks.
Also, I seem to have left scene 11 off of RSL-beta. That's just the one where Juan makes the cellular phone call, and should of course remain the same as it was. Oh, start thinking about a good weekend in March for me to haul myself down there so we can get some real work done on this.
I'll be on-line around 10-11 tonight, maybe earlier. If I seem distracted, just yell at me; I'd like to get the whole FTP thing set up.
14 February 1996, 12:37 pm
Glen
Here's scene 15, the one I wrote with Joey. I was having the same problems as you, as far as getting into his character. I think that's our problem with this thing.
If you want, I can also send along scene 5 later.
20 February 1996, 1:52 pm
Glen prints edits to his draft of scene 1.
21 February 1996, 12:58 pm
Glen prints edits to Mike's final draft of scene 7, RSL-beta: The Saint.
26 February 1996, 11:30 am
Mike
- Ending!
Okay, I think this is a pretty damn good idea for an ending, but we'll see if you agree. Basically, I kinda liked the idea of killing everyone off except Harvey but I really wasn't crazy about the way you did it. It was way too neat and tidy, y'know? I don't know. Anyway, here's what just came to me ... let me know what you think:
Harvey and Caroline drive to Port Everglades, with Juan and Joey following (Basically the same as we've had so far, only Joey doesn't realize Juan is involved with Harvey. I'm not entirely sure how we get them both in one car yet; maybe have Joey run out of gas or something. He seems like the type)
In the ensuing "chase" (the car chase itself is relatively minimal now), Harvey hands Caroline his gun, and tell her to "do something" about Joey/Juan following. She climbs into the back of the van, doesn't want to use the gun, so ends up tossing an ostrich at them, which smacks right into the front of their car & they swerve off the road. Caroline thinks she's killed Joey, starts feeling remorse, guilt, wonders why she's going with Harvey, blah, blah, blah.
New scene. Joey shows up at the docks, as Harvey and Caroline are finishing loading the Gloria with the remaining ostri.
Caroline sees Joey; Joey sees Harvey. Harvey doesn't notice as Caroline finally tries to redeem herself, sneaking away to go to Joey.
Joey, not seeing Caroline, takes a shot at Harvey. Harvey fires back, and Caroline gets hit in the crossfire.
Harvey takes off in the Gloria, with Joey shooting after him.
Juan comes limping into the scene, covered with blood, and shoots Joey as 4 or 5 cop cars show up on the scene, and take him (Juan) out.
Glen
26 February 1996, 12:12 pm
Glen
It's the best ending we have yet, but I still have some problems:
Caroline throwing an ostrich at the car. Do you have any clue how big ostri are? They're like human size.
As far as Joey being the type to let a car run out of gas, I dunno. I see him more as the type to fill up a tank once it gets down below half full. Always be prepared, stuff like that.
Maybe Caroline and hits Juan, which causes him to lose control and run the car off the road. Joey pushes him out of the way and starts driving, allowing Harvey and Caroline to get to the Port with enough time to load the ostri.
Where's Juan when Joey arrives at the Port? And why would Juan shoot Joey? Is he mad at him for allowing Caroline to hurt him, and can't shoot her?
Who shoots Caroline? Is it Joey or Harvey? Or do we want to leave it vague (a la Reservoir Dogs)?
But, this is pretty good. Let's keep thinking about this. I'll try to come on-line tonight around 9 or so. We can hammer this out then. I think that the sooner we have a goal to shoot at (the ending) we'll be knocking down the remaining scenes to get there. I hope.
I've also enclosed yesterday's Non Sequitur. I laughed out loud when I read this, I swear the artist had us in mind. :) The box on the first cell reads "The Hollywood Pitch," in case it's too dark for you.
28 February 1996, 3:15 pm
- New scene list
Nothing to say about it, really. The descriptions, at least, are in 10-point font, so you'll be able to read them, anyway. We can try transferring it tonight if you can't read the rest (it's in Word, of course).
29 February 1996, 2:09 pm
Mike
- Scene 10, FSL
"FSL," of course, would be "Final Scene List." The thing's not quite final yet, of course, but you get the idea. Oh, do note on the FSL, there are some changes in scene numbers from the last RSL. Scene 11 (which I had accidentally left out of the last RSL anyway), has been combined with the new scene 13 (which was 14 on the last RSL). So basically, everything after 10 is one number earlier.
Act I should be a breeze to polish up next weekend. I'm starting to think we can get a lot done on act II then, too. Of course, act III currently doesn't really have a damn thing.
Oh, on the FSL, the #'s in the last five scenes are supposed to be X's, incase you didn't figure that out on your own. I also added two &'s to scene 10 (now that I've written it), and "Police chief?" under the "Other(s)" column in scene 22. The word "plot" got cut off from scene 7's description, too, but that's not really important (actually, I had a page print out with just the word plot on it, but I wasn't gonna fax that).
I should probably be on around 9:30 tonight, if you want to do some transferring (and if I'm smart enough to bring my disks home).
4 March 1996, 1:52 pm
Mike
- Scene 10a, FSL
Sorry about the lack of header, but this is actually just tacked onto the file for scene 10, and therefore there is no header on it. Just conveniently happened to have started on a new page. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Let me know if you think Harvey seems too pissed off or anything.
Also, may as well cut and paste the intro to scene 10 here, since that's the only "major" change I made:
Several CUSTOMERS are sitting in tables close to the stage, occasionally HOOTING at ELIZA (a dancer) as she finishes her set. Speakers on the sides of the stage blare out the Stray Cat's "Stray Cat Strut," as Eliza struts on stage, clothed in nothing but cat ears, g-string, and long furry tail. Caroline walks in, obviously overwhelmed by the whole scene, and makes her way up to the bar. Franco stands behind the bar, wiping an empty beer glass with a towel. He looks up as Caroline approaches.
Other than that, just fixed a couple of awkward sentences and made Juan and Harvey head to the patio instead of the bar when they enter, to jive with 10a. That's it. I'll try to enter your changes to the FSL before I leave today, or maybe just stay late and do them if I have to.
Hmm ... looks like 4b and 10b, which I can do by the end of the week, and we're "done" with Act I!
4 March 1996, 2:21 pm
Encl: Draft of Scene 9, comments on RSLγ
10A: Looks good. Ostrichmobile? Intro to 10 looks good, too. Add something about Eliza "playing" w/ the cat tail? BTW - I'm probably not going to be home tonight (concert), but I'm sick as a dog, so I might stay in.
P.S. What happened to Juan "still bitching about Caroline"? (from FSL)
7 March 1996, 11:15 am
Mike is fired from his job at EP&P, partially for abusing his fax machine privileges.
10 March 1996, 4:15 pm
Glen prints his changes to Mike's third draft of Scene 3: The Deal.
19 March 1996, 2:08 pm
Glen prints his changes to his and Mike's draft of Scenes 11 and 11a.
20 March 1996, 2:21 pm
Glen,
Here are scenes 12 and 13, which I wrote the other night, and revised just now. Scene 12 is a little vague as to the details of the restaurant (what type, decor, etc.) but I think that's all right, let the director decide that (gasp! A screenwriter leaving something for the director to do! I'd get kicked out of the Writer's Guild if I belonged for that one, I think), but it's too long as is, anyway (with all of the dialogue).
Scene 13 I changed to have Harvey make the phone calls there in the car (a thought I just had does Harvey know Spanish, if we're making it that Juan's cousins don't speak English?). Hope that works better for you.
I'm going to be working on my employment problem for the rest of the afternoon, so I don't know if I'll get a chance to work on anything else until tonight. I should be online at some point tonight to try the file transfer.
Mike
P.S. This fax should be 7 pages total (1 cover sheet, and 6 pages of scenes). I left off scene 14 because the changes I made to it are really minor (changed Robin to Robyn, and one or two additions of dialogue).
21 March 1996, 11:37 am
Mike
- Scene 16, FSL, Crazy Ivan
Okay, this kicks in right after Harvey yells to Delgado, about halfway through the scene (after the Customs Officer is already on the boat). The Embarcadero is the boat that Harvey owned before the Gloria (described as "a slightly smaller boat ... and in much worse shape, looking like it hasn't been painted in years"). This way we don't have to worry about a nameless boat. The scene is close to what it was before, but (I think) more clear.
I'll e-mail you tonight with details about the weekend (what time I plan to show up, etc.), so try and take your forward off your American account (I'll send to both AU and Gramercy).
Glen
21 March 1996, 1:33 pm
Glen prints his edits to Mike's draft of Scene 13.
26 March 1996, 1:44 pm
Glen prints his draft of Scene 21.
is copyright © 1996
by Michael A. Weintraub and Glen Eric Reed.
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