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A script for the NBC TV series Seinfeld
by Glen Eric Reed and Michael A. Weintraub
FADE IN:
INT. MONK'S CAFÉ - DAY
JERRY and ELAINE are sitting opposite of each other in a
booth, eating lunch. It is raining quite heavily outside.
ELAINE
You know ... that sandwich looks
good.
Jerry nods while his mouth is full of food, gesturing with
his hands, indicating that he has something to say. He
finishes swallowing.
JERRY
It is ... but it's missing
something.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER enters, wearing sunglasses. He recognizes Jerry, who
waves to him. He walks to Jerry and Elaine's booth and sits
down next to Elaine.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, Elaine.
ELAINE
Wow, you look good!
Kramer looks at her funny. Elaine stares at him.
KRAMER
I am good.
JERRY
One hell of a pair of sunglasses
you have there.
KRAMER
Like it's sunny.
JERRY
But it's cloudy.
Kramer makes the old gunshot hand gesture, jerks his head
back, and winks.
KRAMER
Exactly.
Jerry nods and takes another bite of the sandwich. He shakes
his head, still disappointed with his lunch. Kramer cocks
his head at Jerry.
KRAMER
What, no slaw?
Jerry points at Elaine.
JERRY
That's it!
Elaine breaks out of her daze of staring at Kramer.
ELAINE
Huh? What?
Jerry gestures to the sandwich.
JERRY
This sandwich, it's missing
coleslaw.
ELAINE
Oh.
Elaine returns to staring at Kramer.
JERRY
You really are infatuated with
Kramer's look today.
ELAINE
Where did you get those sunglasses?
Kramer points at his sunglasses.
KRAMER
These sunglasses?
GEORGE bursts in, waving his arms, with a letter in one
hand.
GEORGE
I'm a winner, baby! I'm finally a
winner!
He rushes to the booth, where he sits in the open seat next
to Jerry. Kramer and Jerry exchange openmouthed looks.
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
I won a VCP.
JERRY
What's a VCP?
KRAMER
Isn't that a narcotic?
JERRY
No, I believe that's PCP.
GEORGE
It's a video cassette player. It's
like a VCR but it doesn't "R." It
only "P"s.
JERRY
It doesn't record?
GEORGE
No, because then it'd be a VCR.
KRAMER
Ahh.
JERRY
How did you win it?
GEORGE
I won it in a raffle draw down at
the mall by my parents' house.
JERRY
You actually entered a raffle?
GEORGE
Yeah, I put my business card into a
fishbowl two weeks ago, and they
sent me this letter today.
George shows the letter in his hand to Jerry.
JERRY
Why do you have a business card?
You don't even have a business!
GEORGE
(mumbling)
My mother thought I should make
some up.
KRAMER
That mall right by where your
parents live?
George nods.
GEORGE
That's what I said, isn't it?
KRAMER
That's where I got these
sunglasses.
ELAINE
You got those in a mall? George,
when do you have to pick up your
VCR?
GEORGE, KRAMER, and JERRY
"P."
ELAINE
Okay, "P."
GEORGE
Tomorrow, by 3 o'clock.
ELAINE
Great, I'll go with you. I can get
some new sunglasses there, then.
KRAMER
You know, Jerry. There's some great
slaw at that mall.
JERRY
I'm there.
ELAINE
Why don't we all meet there for
lunch?
The other three nod in unison.
EXT. MALL - DAY
It is the next day, sunny. Jerry and Elaine are standing
outside the mall. Elaine is shielding her eyes from the
sunlight and squinting. Jerry is wearing sunglasses.
JERRY
So, you're sure you're not joining
us for lunch? I understand they
make some very good slaw.
ELAINE
No, I just want to get to the
sunglass store. It's going to take
me a while to pick out a pair.
Kramer and George show up. Kramer is wearing his designer
sunglasses, and George is wearing clip-on sunglasses.
KRAMER
So, are we all ready for some slaw?
GEORGE
I, umm, ate before we left. My
mother made me a bologna sandwich.
I think I'll just go and get a
candy bar.
He starts to leave, but Kramer grabs him.
KRAMER
What're you getting?
GEORGE
Mr. Goodbar.
Kramer lets him go. George flips up his clip-on sunglasses
and walks into the mall.
KRAMER
It's his loss. (turns to Elaine)
Elaine?
Elaine, holding up both hands to shield her eyes now, turns
to face Kramer.
ELAINE
No, I'm heading to the sunglass
store.
She leaves. Kramer and Jerry look at each other. Jerry
shrugs.
JERRY
It's her loss.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine walks in. The only other person, the SALESGIRL, is on
the telephone. Elaine starts to browse.
INT. MALL RESTAURANT - DAY
Jerry and Kramer are sitting at a table. A WAITRESS comes
and delivers each of them a huge heaping plate of coleslaw.
WAITRESS
Are you guys sure you don't want
anything else?
Jerry and Kramer shake their heads vigorously.
KRAMER
We're here for the slaw.
The waitress shrugs and walks away. Jerry looks at Kramer.
JERRY
Should coleslaw be eaten with a
fork or a spoon?
KRAMER
Spoon.
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER
You've gotta get all the juices.
JERRY
Of course.
KRAMER
Juices.
JERRY
Juices.
Jerry alternately picks up a tablespoon and a teaspoon,
holding one in each hand before Kramer.
JERRY
Table or tea?
KRAMER
Table. Teaspoon takes too long.
JERRY
Aha.
They both pick up their spoons and begin to eat. After
several bites, Jerry looks up.
JERRY
Mmm, this is good slaw.
KRAMER
Told you so.
Jerry pauses and looks up pensively.
JERRY
You know, there's a flavor here. I
can't quite place it though.
Kramer continues eating his coleslaw nonstop for the
remainder of this scene and speaks all of his lines with his
mouth full.
KRAMER
Chocolate?
JERRY
Chocolate? Somehow I don't think
our society has advanced far enough
to make a chocolate coleslaw.
KRAMER
Just a thought.
JERRY
And a good one at that. I was
thinking of something along the
lines of fruit.
KRAMER
Fruit?
JERRY
Yeah, fruit.
KRAMER
Tomato.
JERRY
Are you sure that's a fruit? I
thought it was a vegetable.
KRAMER
It's got seeds; it's fruit.
JERRY
So it is.
KRAMER
Look, are you gonna eat your slaw,
or are you gonna keep talking about
it?
JERRY
All right, all right.
Jerry takes another bite.
JERRY
It is good slaw.
KRAMER
Of course it is. The best.
JERRY
Still, I wonder what this flavor
is.
Kramer points his spoon, full of coleslaw, at Jerry.
KRAMER
Who says coleslaw has to have a
flavor?
JERRY
It usually doesn't. That's the
beauty of this coleslaw. It has
flavor.
Kramer shrugs. They continue to eat a little more. Suddenly,
Jerry jerks up in his chair.
JERRY
Pears.
KRAMER
Pears?
JERRY
Pears.
KRAMER
What about 'em?
JERRY
That is the flavor in the coleslaw.
Pears.
Kramer shakes his head.
KRAMER
There're no pears in this slaw.
JERRY
Sure there are. The flavor is
distinct. I taste pears.
KRAMER
Cabbage.
JERRY
But cabbage has no flavor. I tell
you, I taste pear.
KRAMER
I taste cabbage.
JERRY
How can you taste cabbage? Cabbage
has no taste.
KRAMER
Sure it does; it tastes like
cabbage.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George is standing in front of the candy machine. He has a
look of despair. The Mr. Goodbar he wants is in the space
behind a Peanut M&M's bag. He rubs his chin while deciding
what to do.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
The salesgirl is still on the phone, with her back to
Elaine. Elaine holds her hand to her face like a phone and
begins to mimic the girl, complete with her hand gestures.
The girl notices this in the mirror and turns around.
SALESGIRL
May I help you?
Elaine tries to make it look like she wasn't caught
mimicking.
ELAINE
(stammering)
Oh, not yet, I'm just looking.
The salesgirl goes back to her phone conversation.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George is still staring at the candy machine and does not
know what to do. He gestures at the machine and at the bar
he wants, which is still behind the M&M's, and shakes his
head. A MAN walks up to the machine.
GEORGE
(quietly)
Do you want some Peanut M&M's?
The man ignores George and buys something else. He walks
away. An ELDERLY WOMAN walks up to the machine.
GEORGE
Excuse me, ma'am, how are you
today?
The woman looks at George.
WOMAN
I'm fine, thank you.
GEORGE
Have you decided which candy bar
you'll be purchasing this
afternoon?
WOMAN
No, I have not.
GEORGE
If I may, perhaps I could interest
you in some Peanut M&M's?
WOMAN
Why's that?
GEORGE
Well, you see ... it's my son, he's
sick, and, well, the M&M's people
pledged that they would pay a
nickel of his bills for every bag
sold. So far, they've raised nearly
twenty thousand dollars.
WOMAN
Oh, that's horrible. What's wrong
with him?
George ponders this for a moment. He is starting to sweat
and wipes his forehead with a handkerchief.
GEORGE
Oh, he has (a beat) cancer.
WOMAN
What kind?
GEORGE
What kind? Does it matter what
kind?
WOMAN
Well, it matters to me.
George pauses and wipes his forehead again.
GEORGE
It's bone cancer.
WOMAN
Oh my, that's terrible!
GEORGE
Oh yes, yes it is. So you must
understand how important it is that
you buy these Peanut M&M's.
WOMAN
But what about the plain ones?
Those are my favorite.
GEORGE
They're only donating for the
peanut ones.
WOMAN
But I'm allergic to peanuts.
GEORGE
My son's allergic to cancer, lady!
Just buy the damn candy!
The woman turns her head and quickly walks away.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine runs out of patience.
ELAINE
Excuse me?
The salesgirl puts the phone aside and turns to Elaine.
SALESGIRL
Yes?
Elaine points at several pairs in the glass case.
ELAINE
I'd like to see these two, please.
The salesgirl takes out the sunglasses, places them on the
counter, and returns to her phone call. The two pairs look
almost identical. Elaine alternately tries them on and poses
in the mirror.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
A NUN walks out of the ladies room next to the candy
machines. George waves at her.
GEORGE
Umm, excuse me, sister.
The nun stops.
NUN
Yes?
GEORGE
If you don't mind my saying, you
seem to me like a Peanut M&M's type
of gal.
The nun hits George with her purse and quickly runs away.
George looks like he's ready to give up. A BEAUTIFUL
SUPERMODEL approaches. George's face lights up.
GEORGE
Haven't I seen you someplace
before?
MODEL
No, I don't think so.
GEORGE
Yes, I do think so. I'm a face guy,
and I know your face. I've seen
your face somewhere before.
MODEL
Well, I am a model. Maybe you've
seen me in Glamour magazine?
GEORGE
Oh of course, Glamour magazine. I
use it all the time.
The model cocks her head at George at looks at him
strangely.
MODEL
Excuse me?
GEORGE
Read; I meant read.
The model walks away.
MODEL
Pervert!
GEORGE
I meant read! I meant read!
INT. MALL RESTAURANT - DAY
Jerry and Kramer are still eating their coleslaw.
JERRY
Say, it's almost 3 o'clock. I
wonder if George has picked up his
VCP yet.
A mall SECURITY OFFICER enters and sits at a table near
them.
KRAMER
I've always wanted to work for mall
security.
JERRY
Why? What's the point?
KRAMER
Respect. (a beat) I want to find
out what it means to me.
JERRY
Respect?
KRAMER
Just a little bit.
JERRY
But who respects mall cops?
KRAMER
I do.
JERRY
That's a pretty low rung on the
security ladder, y'know. They're
below night security but just above
school crossing guards.
KRAMER
I was a crossing guard.
JERRY
I see, so you want to take the next
step up. And do you have
aspirations to continue climbing
the security ladder?
KRAMER
One step at a time.
JERRY
But what do they do, anyway?
KRAMER
What do who do?
JERRY
Mall cops.
KRAMER
Stop mall crime.
JERRY
With what?
They look over at the officer.
KRAMER
Walkie-talkies.
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine seems to have made up her mind. She starts looking at
herself in the mirror at various angles, wearing one of the
pairs of sunglasses. The salesgirl is still on the phone.
Elaine starts talking to herself, and her voice gets louder
and louder until finally she is practically yelling.
ELAINE
Yeah, these are the ones. I like
these a lot. I'm going to look
great in these. I love these;
they're just for me. They're
definitely the right ones. Perfect.
Excellent. Stupendous. Wonderful!
The salesgirl finally finishes her conversation and hangs up
the phone. Elaine stares at her for a moment.
ELAINE
Excuse me?
SALESGIRL
Have you decided?
ELAINE
Yes. I think I have. I'd like to
try these out.
SALESGIRL
But I thought you've already tried
them on?
ELAINE
I have, but I want to try them out.
SALESGIRL
But what's the difference?
ELAINE
They're sunglasses, right? I want
to see how well they block the sun.
SALESGIRL
Oh, that model is the Solar Flair -
F-L-A-I-R. It blocks out 99.9% of
all UV rays and is the equivalent
of SPF 38 sunblock. It's one of our
most popular models -
ELAINE
Yes, but -
SALESGIRL (Cont.)
It's made out of a special space-
age titanium alloy. It's your best
eye protection investment. They're
light and virtually unbreakable -
ELAINE
That's nice, but -
SALESGIRL (Cont.)
They are normally priced at
$199.95, but they're on sale today
only for just $89.89.
ELAINE
I'd like to take them outside and
see for myself.
SALESGIRL
But I just told you how they work.
ELAINE
Look, I'll bring them back.
SALESGIRL
I'm sorry, but it's our policy that
nothing leaves the store unless you
buy it.
Elaine pauses for a second, then reaches into her purse and
takes out a credit card, which she places on the counter.
ELAINE
Fine, ring it up! I'll be right
back.
Elaine walks out of the store.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George is still in front of the candy machine. The Peanut
M&M's are still in front of the Mr. Goodbar. A LITTLE BOY
and his MOTHER walk in, holding hands. The mother hands her
son change and walks into the ladies room. The boy looks at
the candy machine quizzically. George looks down at the boy
and smiles.
GEORGE
Hello there, my little friend.
The boy looks up at George.
BOY
Hello.
GEORGE
And how are you this fine
afternoon?
BOY
How come you have no hair, mister?
GEORGE
Well, I have some hair.
BOY
Not too much hair.
GEORGE
It's hereditary.
BOY
What does that mean?
GEORGE
Your mom will tell you when you're
older. So, (a beat) you like M&M's?
BOY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Do you like the plain ones or the
peanut variety?
BOY
What does variety mean?
George rolls his eyes.
GEORGE
Look kid, plain or peanut?
BOY
Peanut are my favorite.
GEORGE
And is that what you're going to
purchase?
BOY
Purchase? What does that mean?
The boy's mother comes out of the ladies room.
GEORGE
Buy! Buy!! Are you going to buy the
Peanut M&M's?!
MOTHER
Why are you yelling at my son?
GEORGE
I'm not yelling; we're bonding over
the choice of candy.
MOTHER
What is that supposed to mean?
GEORGE
(exasperated)
What is this, a family trait?
While his mother and George are arguing, the little boy puts
his money in the machine and presses the buttons to get a
bag of Peanut M&M's, but from a different slot than the one
in front of George's Mr. Goodbar.
MOTHER
I try to teach my son not to talk
to strangers, and you're not
helping much, mister.
GEORGE
But I'm his friend George.
The little boy opens the bag of M&M's and offers some to
George.
BOY
Would you like an M&M George?
George whirls toward the candy machine, then whirls back
toward the boy. He reaches to hug him, but the mother whisks
him away and they exit. George goes to the candy machine,
puts his money in, and then realizes the boy bought the
candy from a different slot than he wanted him to. He
quickly presses the coin return button and turns around to
where the mother and the boy were.
GEORGE
You bought the wrong ones, you
little bastard!
EXT. MALL - DAY
The camera shows the bright sun high in the sky.
ANGLE ON ELAINE
Elaine is staring right at the sun through her new
sunglasses. She smiles and nods, then turns to walk back
into the mall.
INT. MALL RESTAURANT - DAY
Jerry and Kramer are sitting at their table, empty plates in
front of them.
JERRY
I tell you, it's pear.
KRAMER
I'll bet apple.
JERRY
For real?
KRAMER
Sure, a candy bar.
JERRY
A candy bar it is. You, my friend,
have a bet.
They shake hands. A WAITRESS walks by their table.
KRAMER
Excuse me, Sharon.
WAITRESS
Oh, hi there, Kramer, how ya doin'?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. My friend here and I
have a little wager.
WAITRESS
Oh, what is it?
KRAMER
What is the flavor in the slaw?
WAITRESS
Apples.
She walks away. Kramer celebrates.
KRAMER
Yeah!
Jerry shrugs.
JERRY
Tasted like pears to me.
KRAMER
Bartlett or bosc?
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine walks back into the store. The salesgirl has been
replaced by a SALESMAN. He is on the telephone. Elaine is
still wearing the sunglasses, and she admires her view in a
few mirrors before looking in vain for her credit card on
the counter.
ELAINE
Excuse me?
The salesman puts down the phone.
SALESMAN
Yes?
ELAINE
I'm looking for my credit card.
SALESMAN
Did you leave it here?
ELAINE
Yes, of course I did.
The salesman looks around.
SALESMAN
Well, I don't see it.
ELAINE
There was a salesgirl here before.
I left my credit card with her to
ring up these sunglasses and took
them outside to test them.
SALESMAN
You had to test the Solar Flair?
ELAINE
Yes, I had to test the Solar Flair.
Where's the salesgirl?
SALESMAN
Her shift is over. It ended at
three.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George is still at the machine. A YOUNG MAN walks up to the
machine, inserts his money, and picks the Peanut M&M's in
front of the Mr. Goodbar. George hugs the man and kisses him
on both cheeks.
GEORGE
God bless you sir!
INT. SUNGLASS SHOP - DAY
Elaine now has a hold of the salesman's shirt and is holding
him right in front of her face.
ELAINE
Look, you little minimum-wage twit.
I know you have my credit card. I
left it here, and I want it back
now.
SALESMAN
I don't have it.
Elaine starts to shake him a few times and then lets him go.
ELAINE
It's got to be here somewhere; it's
not like you've had any other
customers this week to confuse me
with.
She starts looking around through the paperwork and
brochures on the counter until she finds her credit card
there. She grabs it and shoves it in his face.
ELAINE
Look, "Elaine Benes." That's me. This
is my card.
Elaine walks out.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George, with a big beaming smile on his face, puts the
change into the machine and presses the button for the Mr.
Goodbar. The candy bar moves but does not quite fall. George
looks at it, shakes his head. He then lightly taps the side
of the machine to no avail. George kicks the machine once,
as a mall security officer walks by and stops, looking at
him.
INT. MALL - DAY
Elaine is leaving the sunglass shop and runs into Jerry and
Kramer. She is still wearing the sunglasses.
KRAMER
Nice selection. The Solar Flair.
ELAINE
Ya. (a beat) It's ten after three.
I wonder if George got his VCR.
JERRY and KRAMER
"P."
JERRY
I wonder if George got his Mr.
Goodbar.
KRAMER
Mmm, Mr. Goodbar.
INT. MALL LOBBY - DAY
George is attacking the candy machine with full force, but
no luck. The security officer speaks into his walkie-talkie,
and soon, several other OFFICERS arrive. Together, they
approach George and grab him.
GEORGE
No, you don't understand! That's my
Mr. Goodbar! The machine won't give
it to me!
OFFICER
Sir, I'm afraid you're going to
have to come with us.
They drag him away.
GEORGE
I'm an innocent man!
As they take George away, Kramer, Jerry, and Elaine
approach.
JERRY
Isn't that...?
ELAINE
I think it might be....
Kramer points at the candy machine.
KRAMER
Mr. Goodbar.
JERRY and ELAINE
Who?
KRAMER
Mr. Goodbar. That's the bar I want,
Jerry.
JERRY
All right, then.
Jerry nods, takes change out of his pocket, and puts it into
the machine. Kramer presses the button, and two Mr. Goodbars
fall out. He grabs them both and places one in his shirt
pocket. He rips the paper off the other.
KRAMER
Save one for later.
Kramer takes a bite out of the bar and smiles.
FADE OUT.
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